People often ask me: Bill, how did you find the perfect man?

Chuck and Bill when they are A) Younger and B) Chunkier

Okay, no one outside of my head has ever asked me that. While people do often say nice stuff about Chuck, about him being handsome and funny and kind, I have found that people rarely ask questions:

A) Like the aforementioned outside of bad movies and trashy novels
B) Of me in general in which advice of any kind is sought.

So while this has not been asked of me, I do feel as though I have some expertise on the subject. Chuck and  I went on our first date nine years ago this coming Monday, and it is my belief that he is, basically, perfect. For me, of course. For others, he might be a little tall. I don't know.

Anyhow, here are a few rules that I might offer about finding that perfect person, as well as some ways to tell if your person is perfect for you, should you already have them.

1) Become friends first. Truly. I know this is the age of hookups and I personally don't have a problem with that. And those of you who know me know that I am NOT EXACTLY a prude... but in my experience, the only relationship I've ever had that lasted was the one where we were good friends first. Chuck and I met in June of 2003, and our first date was Christmas Eve of that year. Did it take away some of the excitement? Yes. But it also solidified the fact that we LIKED each other as people. I cannot stress this enough. Find someone you LIKE as a person, and date them.

2) Listen to them tell a funny story before you buy. So important. Pay attention to whether you laugh or not. Do the same things make you laugh? Is his sense of humor creative? Is it mean? Does it meander when you like to get to the point quickly, or does it get to the point too fast and you like a bit more of a journey? I have a friend who cannot tell a story without telling you every piece of minutia that occurs to him along the way. I have to limit our social engagements because of this, and if I were married to him, I would be constantly checking his net worth and new and creative ways to kill him.

3) Look for the ones with a little extra meat on their bones. I personally like a little extra cushion, but even if I didn't, this is a terrific strategy. For one thing, it means you will be focusing on the important stuff, like what's in their heart. But as a bonus, it reminds us that people's bodies change. Especially weight. If you decide that slender (or fat, by the way) is a top priority, what will happen when that person gains (or loses) weight? I was not terribly focused on that, so when Chuck decided to lose more than 70 pounds, it was just an interesting perk rather than a game changer.

Here, by the way, are a few ways to ascertain that you've already netted the perfect guy for you:

1) You know exactly what they're going to say before they say it, and you don't want to beat them with a broom handle for saying it.

2) They sing loudly while listening to music with earphones while cleaning, and you smile because you think it's sweet.

3) You find the same amount of joy in laughing at the same stupid things.

Case in point on Number 3 is the reason I am writing this today. Last night, we were at a choir concert at a cathedral. On the left side of the stage there was a small balcony jutting out with a red curtain. I noticed this and pointed it out to Chuck. I said, "Wouldn't it be awesome if Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets appeared and made comments throughout the show?"


He cracked up. We then spent the next 10 minutes coming up with exactly what they would say:

Waldorf: I heard these guys were called "The Bach Choir" at one point.
Statler: The Bach Choir. I say send this choir bach!
Both: Ahh hah hah hah hah!

I knew that through the whole concert, he was feeling giddy about that stupid joke, and I'm pretty sure he knew that I was thinking of other things the two Muppet curmudgeons would say. And we didn't have to say anything; we could just grab each other's hand and squeeze once in a while, and it was communicated. It was perfect.

We put it on Facebook and here's the kicker: Almost NO ONE ELSE thought this was funny. That's fine. It just proves my point. Find the one person on earth who thinks you're hilarious even when you're totally predictable and not particularly laughworthy to the rest of the world. Marry that person. You will be so glad you did.