For Our Entertainment

I remember staying up late to watch the MTV Video Music Awards. The year was 1984, I was 13 and had severe acne and a nose that my face would need five more years - minimum - to grow into.

And there was Modonna, in a wedding dress, writhing around on stage while singing "Like A Virgin."

I remember how my stepfather and mother reacted. Shock, some amusement (my stepfather), chagrin about me seeing this overt sexual behavior.

For my part, I was captivated. I knew what she was doing was naughty, and I knew I wasn't supposed to be seeing her simulate orgasm in a wedding dress. I couldn't look away. I knew we'd all be talking about it tomorrow, at school.

Here are the things that didn't happen to me because I witnessed this inappropriate television behavior: I didn't become a prostitute. I didn't decide that this was how all brides behaved, or should behave. I didn't rush out to find a girl to do this for me, nor did I mimic the behavior myself in any future high school stage performances.

You see, Madonna wasn't my role model. I know, I know, I was a guy, not a girl. But I was a gay guy. Even then, I knew I was gay. And I didn't think for a moment that I'd seen something I should emulate. Instead, I saw something that I would digest in time -- some immediately, some over the next week while hearing people yap about what a slut Madonna was, and some decades later, when Adam Lambert simulated oral sex and then deep kissed a band member during a performance of his single "For Your Entertainment" at the American Music Awards.

I say this because I am reading a lot about people who are outraged, and many of these people are saying that it's not a matter of gay or straight, it's a matter of appropriate or inappropriate.

Look. I understand. If I had a 12 year old, I wouldn't want him or her to see such behavior either. It's an inborn instinct, to protect our children from confusion and other uncomfortable emotions.

But let's be real. Madonna caused shock when she writhed, Elvis caused shock when he gyrated, but neither caused the hubub that Adam caused. Of course his sexuality is the issue. Otherwise, the "kiss" wouldn't be part of the conversation. C'mon. Could you imagine if this was Prince, and Prince had made out with a female keyboardist on stage? You really think Good Morning America would have canceled Prince's performance the next day? No, because this is 2009, not 1959. The oral sex simulation might have gotten some people talking, but I don't think he'd be canceled.

Adam was canceled because he pushed the envelope and he's a gay male. This is the last taboo. We are okay with Britney and Madonna kissing, we're okay with songs for females that say "I kissed a girl and I liked it." If a male artist sang a song called "I kissed a boy and I liked it," it would not be a top 10 hit. I promise.

I just think we should face reality when having discussions about such things. I do not know why people feel the strong urge to deny homophobia when it rears it's ugly head, but they do. That's why so much of the criticism begins with "I'm not homophobic, but..."

Now I just need to say that truthfully, I have mixed feelings about what happened up on that stage last weekend. I love Adam, but when I saw the clip, I thought he didn't sing the song very well at all, and I thought the performance was over the top for sure. But that said, I do not think such performances are particularly dangerous for our youth.

Kids are smart. Are they impacted by what they see on TV? Sure. But they also understand context. When I was 13 and watching Madonna in her wedding dress, I knew this was "pushing the envelope" behavior meant to cause controversy and sell records. As precocious as I was, it did nothing to make me more precocious.

My point is this: invariably some gay boys may emulate this behavior. But they would have anyway. Kids have personalities. Some are prone to overt sexual behavior, and some are prone to sitting alone in their rooms and reading books. I thought my mother was off base 25 years ago when she worried about me seeing Madonna, and I think so today, when I hear people scream about how Adam's performance corrupted young eyes.

When it comes to overt gay sexuality, young eyes get it. It's the older eyes I'm most worried about.

By the way: The CD "For Your Entertainment" is fantastic. A review is upcoming.

On Disappointment...

I've just gotten some disappointing news from an agent I've been working with on my adult literary novel.

Since this isn't a YA project, I've been working with a different agent I'd found about year back. He loved the draft he read and had asked me to do a revision. Then, a second. He called today to let me know that he carefully read and re-read my most recent revision, and that he was going to pass on the novel.

Sigh.

The gist of the criticism is that one of my characters is "relentlessly grim." He had very complementary things to say about me as a writer, and said he'd enjoyed working with me very much, but felt that after reading three full drafts, this was where he'd step away.

I wish I could say he was wrong re: "relentlessly grim." I am not sure that he is. I have had a real heavy feeling the past month or so of waiting, worrying he might say exactly that.

What can I say? Disappointment is no fun. But I have to be an adult about it. And that's the plan.

I remember how it felt after Harper Collins asked me for a revision of what turned into Out of the Pocket, only to pass on it a year later. I remember getting that e-mail, and just feeling so completely devastated. I remember going into our guest bedroom and getting under the covers and just shaking, because I had been so SURE of things, so SURE that novel was meant to be published, and the rejection seemed ... wrong. Because I knew it wasn't meant to turn out that way.

Turns out I was right. That disappointment turned into another opportunity, and led me to where I am today. This one, too. It won't happen the way I'd hoped, but it'll happen.

Now to revise again, and find the right agent to take this project to the right publisher.

And no. No time in bed today. Well, maybe just five minutes.

Wrap-up of Philly trip

I had a very nice trip East this past weekend to the NCTE/ALAN conference(s). Hard to summarize it all, but mostly what I'd say is I met some fantastic people.

The NCTE conference itself was so huge, that it was hard to get a real feel for things. I enjoyed it, enjoyed presenting with my good friend Dr. Aaron Levy and agent Susan Schulman on Sunday. We presented on the process of getting a first novel published.

At ALAN on Monday, I presented with Jennifer Clifton and Laura Walsh of ASU about YA books that depict teens in difficult situations. The deck was stacked against us, since our 30-minute session was the only one in an entirely different building than the others and there wasn't even time built into the schedule to travel, but amazingly, 50 people came out. Leave it to English teachers and librarians to be studious enough to attend a session that far out of the way. I was so grateful that they came, and it turned out to be a successful session.

Oh, right. Saturday night I read at Giovanni's Room with 19 other LGBT authors at a benefit for the bookstore and the Lambda Literary Foundation. A good time was had by all. I got to spend a little time with my facebook buddy Rob Byrnes, and afterwards I got to chat with one of my absolute favorite authors, Paul Russell. It was nice to hear the wide variety of talents that were there, and I was also pleased to read from a new novel for the first time.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

On Humility

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not J.K. Rowling, nor Stephanie Meyer. If I am famous, few people outside my family and close friends know about it.

I had a couple experiences at the start of my NCTE/Giovanni's Room experience that made this quite clear. And like most reality checks, the news was pretty hard for me to swallow.

You're thinking: you didn't know you weren't Rowling? Of course I knew that. I just mean that I had a chance to see that perhaps my writing career hasn't taken off as quickly, or as fiercely, as I'd have liked.

The specifics are immaterial. But the upshot is reality. And reality is this: I may never be a best-selling author. I may never be known and loved by millions. I may someday be, but more than likely I won't.

I am okay with this. I have to be okay with this.

I was listening to a friend, an author named Matt De La Pena today. These were the thoughts that came to my mind. Matt's book, "Ball Don't Lie," has been made into a movie with Ludacris. I sat there thinking, "why not mine?" Ludacris as Rahim Bell, maybe? And then these thoughts run through my head about what's wrong with me, etc.

That's all garbage. Maybe in the future, there will be an "Out of the Pocket" movie. Maybe not. I really can't control that. I can simply do my best. And I will do that. I have, and I will. My best is plenty good. I am proud of my best, and I should be. This crazy idea I have that there's a chorus of people out there, judging my shortcomings, is just that. Crazy. I mean, my parents are hardly a chorus. Kidding. That just doesn't exist. I do my best, and that's plenty. Always.

I don't know if you can relate, but if you can, here's what I think we ought to do: give it a rest. Enjoy exactly what is. My life is an embarrassment of riches, and if you think, gratefully, about yours, you'll see the same is true for you.

Enjoy every moment. Let's do that together.

NCTE/ALAN in Philly

I am flying to Philadelphia this morning for this weekend's NCTE conference and then staying for ALAN (Assembly on Literature for Adolescents), which is on Monday. NCTE, by the way, is the National Council of Teachers of English. One would think a bunch of English teachers would come up with a name that didn't have two consecutive prepositional phrases.

I'm very excited to be going. Meeting teachers from all over is a great way to make people aware of Out of the Pocket, which continues to get reviewed and written about online, more than a year after its release. I have to say, I feel very blessed that the book has had a shelf life; many great books don't. Very lucky in this case.

I'll be presenting with Dr. Aaron Levy and agent Susan Schulman on Sunday at 11:30. The subject: getting a first YA novel published. Aaron and I have done this before a couple times, and adding Susan will really make it a more helpful session I'm sure.

On Monday, I'll be presenting with Jennifer Clifton and Laura Walsh, both from Arizona State. The topic is YA novels that show characters dealing with adversity.

Should be fun. If you're there and come see me, please don't hesitate to say hello!

Read-A-Thon Schedule

Here is the schedule for Saturday night's Lambda Literary Foundation and Giovanni's Room Read-A-Thon fundraiser. Nineteen authors will read, starting at 7:30. It will take place at Giovanni’s Room, 12th & Pine St, Philadelphia. The suggested donation is $25, and you can buy tickets at the door

1st floor reading schedule

•Mark Hardy -- 7:30
•Scott Sherman -- 7:45
•David Carter -- 8:00
•Paul Russell -- 8:15
•Rob Byrnes -- 8:30
•Mark Merlis -- 8:45
•Bob Smith -- 9:00
•Ken Harvey -- 9:15
•Bill Konigsberg -- 9:30
•Perry Brass -- 9:45

2nd floor reading schedule

•Thom Nickels -- 7:30
•Livia Llewellyn -- 7:45
•Victoria Brownworth -- 8:00
•Steve Berman -- 8:15
•Radclyffe -- 8:30
•Malinda Lo -- 8:45
•S. Renee Bess -- 9:00
•Bobbi Marolt -- 9:15
•Tim Brough -- 9:30

I hope you'll come out to the reading if you're in town!

The Michael Jackson Zone

I saw Michael Jackson's "This Is It" last night. I really enjoyed it, really was glad to be left with an uplifting view of where he was and what he was about to do before he passed away in June. Somehow, from the coverage, I had surmised that he'd bitten off more than he could chew with this unprecidented series of concerts, and that just had me feeling sad for him.

Far from it. He hadn't lost a step, at age 50. He wasn't the picture of health, but as far as his performance and what we could see of him as a human being, he was in top form.

What it made me think of was just how amazing he really was. When he created his best songs -- Billie Jean, The Way You Make Me Feel, Rock With You (sadly not in the movie) -- he was in a zone few of us ever experience. As good as it gets. Creating songs that were universal in their appeal, not in a "lowest common denominator" way, but in a way that united so many different types of people by touching them.

That made me think about my finest moments, the moments I've been at the very top of my personal game. The times I've written a paragraph and felt so good inside, knowing that what I'd written was true, and beautiful, and universal. They are few and far between. But I've had some.

Those moments weren't at an MJ level. But they don't have to be. They're at a BK level. They're the best I can do, and that's great.

I think all people, artists or not, have these zone moments. When we do something at our truly highest level. Maybe it's writing. Maybe it's dancing. Maybe it's acting. It could also be catching a football, or mothering, or fathering, or hanging with friends, or interviewing, or accounting, or shopping. I truly believe that. There are moments in our lives where we are in our zone, doing the thing we do best. And we feel high when we get there, because we are exalted in that moment, knowing we can't possibly do better.

What's your zone? A better question is, why can't we get there more often?